2007 Prognostications

I’m neither a prophet, nor the son of a prophet. If I were, these would be my predictions for 2007:

• Britney Spears will introduce a new underwear line that is certified child labor–free. As a matter of fact, “Invisible” — as the line will be called, will be labor–free altogether.
• Against my better judgment, I’ll become a Washington Nationals fan.
• Gov. Mitt Romney will become the frontrunner for the Republican 2008 presidential nomination, and Sen. Barack Obama will be the Dem’s early hyped hope. Former California gubernatorial candidate Gary Coleman will enter the race with a strong showing as an independent, and will hint at a Todd Bridges VP nod.
• Novelist Dan Brown will release a new bestseller called The Bar Code, in which he claims that UPC codes are “the mark of the beast.”
• The telegraph and fax industries will merge in an attempt to give the Internet a run for its money.
• Contrary to hype that we’ve all heard before, a new Indiana Jones movie will not be filmed this year.
• Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell will settle their public publicity feud once and for all in WWE cage match in Atlantic City. Trump will be pummeled like a trailer park in a tornado.
• In June, postmodernists — having become institutionalized — will break off and become post–postmodernists. By August, they’ll have realized the double-negative and revert to once more being called modernists.
• In the same vein, the “emerging church” will see the need to emerge from itself. This new movement will be known as the “splurging church,” and it will teeter on the verge of bankruptcy.

That’s my prognostications for 2007. I hope you’re not keeping score…