Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey: Your Next President
It has often been said that character is a necessary qualification in a candidate for president. With that, let it never be said that Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey [1] isn’t a character.
Sharkey is more than just an independent 2008 presidential candidate. In his own words:
To some, The Impaler is immortal. The Impaler is not just a warrior, a Sanguinary Satanic Vampyre, a Hecate Witch, a lover, but is above all – a “Real American.”
With such qualifications, who could ask for anything more? But there is—Sharkey boasts, among other things, a Ph.D. in Political Science, a past military career, and campaign experience—surprisingly, his 2006 Minnesota gubernatorial bid failed.
Don’t call him soft on crime, either. He has a plan to impale 20 people on the White House lawn [2] the day of his inauguration (this has apparently increased since he commented on my blog in 2005 [3] that he would impale 10). Some of his targets for impaling: Zacarias Moussaoui, Osama bin Laden, King George ‘Worthless’ Bush, Dick Chaney [sic], Fidel Castro, and Paris Hilton. This man does not play favorites.
Lest you think he’s in the pocket of the “Christian Right,” Sharkey wants to be clear:
Well, I am against Christian hypocrites, as well as Professional Christians. I intend on bringing peace and unity to America. I am a servant of Lucifer, and do process Demonic Powers along abilities, that most people don’t. So, for lack of a better word, I am the “Anti-Christ!”
There you have it.
Apparently, there’s also a movie in the works about him. Here’s the trailer:
Stay tuned here in November, where we’ll be up late tallying Sharkey’s electoral votes as they come in.
[This post is first in a series called “Parade of the also-rans.” See the whole series here [4].]