~ 10 December 2005 ~

The Earlybird Gets the Worm(wood)

Now that the dust has settled an inch thick on the 2004 U.S. presidential elections, it’s never too soon to be looking to 2008. Democrat hopefuls like Hillary Clinton are busy polishing their image and exploratory committees. Republicans are trying to sorting out just who can follow in W’s footsteps. Pundits everywhere are forecasting like mad.

Some candidates for 2008 have sidestepped all the speculative hoopla by registering early with the FEC. Take Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey, for example. His early registration lists him as an independent associated with the The VWP Party (Vampyres [sic], Witches, and Pagans). Sharkey, also known as “The Dark Count,” has also thrown in his hat for the 2006 Minnesota Governor’s race. Among his qualifications:

He is a Hecate Witch, as well as a Satanic/Sanguinarian Vampyre….He was recently Ordained as a Dark Priest, and is studying to become a Hecate High Priest.

…Jonathon’s first “Spell” ever, was a “Death Curse.” Though Jonathon is very pleasant to be around, he is a follower of the “Dark Side” of “The Craft.” His powers and abilities are unmatched!

I know what you’re thinking — that Sen. Clinton’s CV is strikingly similar. I assure you, however, that “The Impaler” seems above (or should I say, below) plagiarism.

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4 Comments:

  1. Jonthon "The Impaler" Sharkey » 16 December 2005:

    Jared,

    Thank you for the story. If you go to my campaign web site: http://www.jonathonforgovernor.us you will see not only my political experience, but my sport’s life: racing, boxing and wrestling.

    Please note, by no means am I anything like Jesse Ventura. He is a joke, and a disgrace.

    With the fact I do not believe in being nice to terrorists and criminals, do you see upon me becoming president, the national crime rate dropping really quickly? Along with the Al-Qaeda not daring to attack Americans or America?

    I promise you and all that read this, immediately after I am sworn in as President in 2009, I will sign a Presidential Executive Order granting me the right to Impale terrorists and certian criminals (see my page on Impalement), which will be grandfathered to 9-11-2002. Upon arriving at The White House, I will do 10 Impalings, and leave their bodies impaled on The White House front lawn, for bin Laden and his followers to see. I will have empty Impaling Stakes next to them, with a message, ‘These stakes are for anyone else who decides to attack America or Americans!”

    I am not George “Wussy” Bush, I am a real American!

    Nel Sangue,

    Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey, Ph.D., L.D.D.D.

  2. Matt Brown » 1 January 2006:

    I will venture a guess and say that Vlad the Impaler is a personal hero to Mr. Sharkey.

  3. Julie » 4 January 2006:

    Mr. Brown, not only is it very probable, but Vlad is still a celebrated hero in Romania. They may not have a ‘Vlad Day’ or an ‘Impaler Day’ but there is areas of that country who still see him as a saviour against the Turks.

    Stop nit-picking. You are taking the fun away from the media.
    His Agenda is should be getting scrutiny.

    One thing that is in process to being added to the Agenda is in relation to the hoopla being raised about the Airlines/Bankruptcy. One of his deepest wishes is to generate jobs here in Minnesota, and with this happening, jobs are in jeopardy.

    Answer me this…when the airplanes are serviced, as in mechanically fixed and made sure they are sound enough to fly, why on earth do they need to be taken out of the state for this?

    Jonathon wants to open plants here in Minnesota for this job, which will not only save alot of money in relation to transporting these planes to service, it will generate JOBS.
    He is also formulating a plan on how to allow them (the NWA) to have 20 years to pay the money owed to the state at a very low interest rate.

    We need something like this. It will be cost effective in the long run to have these plants here because they will pay for themselves. Beneficial to everyone.

  4. Julie » 4 January 2006:

    I meant taken out of the country, not the state.
    The airplanes are transported out of the country for mechanical services.

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