Parade of the also-rans: Jonathan “The Impaler” Sharkey

Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey: Your Next President

It has often been said that character is a necessary qualification in a candidate for president. With that, let it never be said that Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey isn’t a character.

Sharkey is more than just an independent 2008 presidential candidate. In his own words:

To some, The Impaler is immortal. The Impaler is not just a warrior, a Sanguinary Satanic Vampyre, a Hecate Witch, a lover, but is above all – a “Real American.”

With such qualifications, who could ask for anything more? But there is—Sharkey boasts, among other things, a Ph.D. in Political Science, a past military career, and campaign experience—surprisingly, his 2006 Minnesota gubernatorial bid failed.

Don’t call him soft on crime, either. He has a plan to impale 20 people on the White House lawn the day of his inauguration (this has apparently increased since he commented on my blog in 2005 that he would impale 10). Some of his targets for impaling: Zacarias Moussaoui, Osama bin Laden, King George ‘Worthless’ Bush, Dick Chaney [sic], Fidel Castro, and Paris Hilton. This man does not play favorites.

Lest you think he’s in the pocket of the “Christian Right,” Sharkey wants to be clear:

Well, I am against Christian hypocrites, as well as Professional Christians. I intend on bringing peace and unity to America. I am a servant of Lucifer, and do process Demonic Powers along abilities, that most people don’t. So, for lack of a better word, I am the “Anti-Christ!”

There you have it.

Apparently, there’s also a movie in the works about him. Here’s the trailer:

Stay tuned here in November, where we’ll be up late tallying Sharkey’s electoral votes as they come in.

[This post is first in a series called “Parade of the also-rans.” See the whole series here.]