General Mischief

The commencement address is a type of public speech that stands in a genre all by itself. Typically, a luminary tries to give graduating students a glimpse of what is to come for them, and tell them how that they are to accomplish their dreams. I’ve been to two graduations where commencement speeches have been … Read more

During the state’s governor’s race this year, candidates vowed to “clean up the mess in Frankfort” (for you outsiders, Frankfort is Kentucky’s capital—not prounounced “Leweyville”). It turns out that the gubenatorial candidates were unaware that Kentucky already had laws in place to keep Kentucky clean. It seems that Kentuckians are required by law to bathe … Read more

People magazine, the tabloid that tries not to look like a tabloid, has chosen its Sexiest Man Alive 2003: Johnny Depp, Sexiest Man Alive Michael Jackson, Scariest Man Alive Apparently Depp didn’t make People’s Scariest Man Alive 2003, so he was awarded the consolation prize.

World’s Oldest Person, 114, Dies in Japan A headline exactly like this shows up every couple of months. The oldest person in the world is naturally close to death, so I suppose that it’s excusable—it makes for a steady flow of news. Might I suggest the following headline, which would give the news agencies an … Read more

This is where my wife went this weekend. She left me behind here in Louisville to study. There is no bitterness on my part, however. Why would I want to be in a place with a view like that?

Scrappleface reveals the real reason the Cubs fan caught the foul ball–a problem that has plauged the Cubs before: cork. Read it, it’s hilarious.

WASHINGTON, DC. Oct 3. Just three days after the federal No-Call list was put into effect, a group of telemarketers has proposed a bill to institute a federal “Please Call” list. The bill, which is spearheaded by Miss Cleo–the former psychic reader currently incarcerated for fraud, seeks to give people who want to be called … Read more

Husbands, be good to your wives.

As I write this, an alarm is going off in the background. I’m not sure whether or not it’s a car alarm, house alarm, or business alarm, but I’m ninety percent sure that it is a false alarm. In fact, I think that the way we use alarms needs a serious evaluation. When was the … Read more

This has little to do with anything, but I was wondering why in the world do the makers of toothbrushes, razors, and pens think that each of those items needs to come in a special version with a “comfort no-slip” grip? Is anyone really brushing their teeth so hard that their hand becomes uncomfortable? Are … Read more